Picture it, Sicily
“You’re father was a micro-cephalic and your mother was a half-black, half-Mexican whore!” Blanch Deveraux said to Rose Nylon, in protest to being called an “easy slut.”
Rose smiled a big ol’ St. Olef grin, the smell of Viking shit oozing out of her pores, filling the kitchen with Nordic funk (not such a bad smell to Blanch, but she also loved the smell of grey-haired cocks of men after putting three hours on the tred-mill). “Blanch, you are a whore. And if you think that I slept with your ex-husband George, you’re out of your mind.”
Blanch thought back on the picture that she had derived this belief from, thought deeply, and concurred that it wasn’t Rose after all, but some retarded girl George was visiting on a trip to Nebraska when he was in the army. “Oh, ok, I’m sorry, now let’s kiss and make-up.”
Then their eyes met, like they had three years before, when they both were attached so deeply that it bordered lesbianism; but, this time it was for real. They floated to one another, literally, Rose’s feet lifted three inches off the floor, her slippers fell off, and then they kissed. It was as if the kitchen was filled with light—artificial as Blanch’s wrinkle-defying make-up. Rose’s tongue circled Blanch’s mouth, tasting the MacDonalds that Blanch had eaten earlier in the day. Blanch, in turn could taste the horrible unpalatable tang of scrapple. Then they started to suck one another’s necks. Rose was biting tenderly on Blanch’s nape, while Blanch licked fastidiously on Rose’s lower neck. And then her kisses turned downward, and she unbuttoned Rose’s shirt with her tongue.
“Oh, my god, you certainly have learned some things!”
Blanch unsnapped Roses’ bra. “You’re damn right, they don’t call me Albert Einstein’s whore little sister for no reason. I’ve got a IQ of lasciviousness of 190.”
“I don’t know what that word means, but I’ll say so. Hey, how bout we take this to the bedroom?”
But as she said “bedroom” Sophia, the most elderly of the bunch walked through the swinging door only to see the horrible sight: something that she wasn’t all to unfamiliar towards; she had in her youth fooled around with the similar sex—then again, she was twelve, not haggard and wrinkled.
“What the hell is going on here?” Sophia said.
Then Dorothy walked through the door and chimed in, “I don’t know, but it kinda looks like something that you’d see at the zoo. Don’t you remember ma? Those two gorillas humping?”
“Yeah, pussycat, I do, but these are too old, and too female to be primates mating….and with too much make-up. Gorillas don’t care if they are aging. They do it with grace, well, whatever, you know what I mean.”
“I’m sorry,” Blanch said, wiping her lips of Norwegian spittle. “I guess we got carried away.”
“We sure did,” Rose said, “I think that I flew there for a second, and I got all crazy. Now can I ask a dumb question?”
Dorothy couldn’t miss the opportunity, “Better than anyone I know.” (the canned laughter going off, can’t you hear it?)
“Ok, guys,” Blanch said, “I think the mood has changed enough for me to ask you why you are both wearing safari outfits.”
“No, no, no,” Dorothy began, “These are the uniforms we’re going to wear when we “really” start our job today.
“You kinda look funny,” Rose said.
“We look funny, and you two didn’t making out in the middle of the kitchen. I mean, it could have at least been in the back so that we wouldn’t see you immediately. God, I feel like I’m back at Shady Pines, giving a little lecture to a couple of old women who thought that they were lesbians. Dementia related, of course. Speaking of, Rose,” Sophia continued, “You sure are getting dumber and dumber these days, you sure you ain’t coming down with Alzheimer’s?”
“No, no, no, never….” Rose looked perplexed, “What is that, anyway, “Old-timers.”
“Forget it,” Dorothy said. “Come on Ma, let’s go, we can’t be late.”
Then Blanch looked at the clock, “Oh, dear, I’ve got a date with that cute plumber, “Big Pipe” Peter, as I like to call him. He’s going to do some work….on me.”
Rose looked at the time, it was around three o’clock. She never had anything to do. If she would just have some other friends. If she would just have a sex life, no, not like Blanch and her rapturous, rampant, slutty life-for-getting laid existence—just a boyfriend to fool around with; watch a movie with; play doctor. Well, maybe she’d read a book, she thought, but Dorothy’s books are so hard to read, and I’ve already read most of mine. Hey, yeah, then she thought of it, she’d go to the library.
“I think I’ll go to the library,” she said.
“Sounds like a plan; now, I can almost see his plumber’s crack in my face right now. I got to scidatle. See you girls.”
“Bye,” Sophia said.
Dorothy smiled that big, “I’m the ugly one and I don’t care grin,” and waved.
Rose sat patiently on the couch for the bus to come. She waited and waited, and then realized--dumb me--she forgot to watch for the bus. She’d missed it, now what? Watch the tube. She turned on the television and searched for her pack of cigarettes. She’d started to smoke a few months ago. The girls didn’t know it, but she didn’t really care if they did. She was a rebel. She found them, went to the window to smoke, and then there was a knock, knock, knock at the door.
“Hey, it’s me Stan.”
“Stan! What are you doing here? I thought that you were going to stay away, that is, after Dorothy found out that we were worshiping….him..together?”
“Oh, the Satan thing, and my folie a deux delusions that I was transferring into your mind, that we were both Reptoid aliens secretly living in an underground base. Yeah, I know. That was an attempt at getting you to kill Dorothy for leaving me. I’m sorry. But who we were worshiping, well, he exists. His name is Lucifer, keeper of the light, come take his hand.” Stan extended his hand to Rose, who was becoming entranced in his eyes. Stan said, “I’ll be right back.” He ran out to his car to get his pentagram and candles. Oh, this was going to be good. Sure is. He was finally going to get Rose to kill that hooker through hypnotism. He was going to mesmerize that bitch into killing his ex-love and love forever after, Dorothy Patrillo, Spornak.
Stan burst through the door, “Here I am!”
“Here I am!” Rose said, naked as a baby, her nipples pointing at the ground. Gravity sucks. Actually, Newton was wrong, her tits were being pushed, not pulled through gravitational force.
“There you are!” He said, now confused, which was more important, to get his noodle wet, which never happened, or to convince Rose that Dorothy was a conspirator with the goal of killing everyone with secret potions. Ah, he could always do both. So, he jumped on the opportunity, picking Rose off her feet, and taking her to the bedroom where they discovered “Big Pipe” Peter and Blanch fucking in Rose’s bedroom.
“What is going on here?!” Rose protested in the midst of heat, anger though creeping in, up through her spinal column, inside her feeble mind, out her eyes, and through her nipples which were become red with rage.
“Sorry,” hee hee,” Blanch said with her southern charm.
“Yuh, um…sorry Hey, nice tits. Firmer than this hooker.” Peter said, with no conviction at all.
“Hmm….guess we’ll have to go to her room,” Stan said, pointing towards Blanch’s bed.
“Yeah, that’s what we’re going to do! You’re right Stan,” So they both took one another’s hand and waltzed into Blanch’s room. And all this while Rose was butt naked.
Stan stuck his hand inside her ass crack, felt her puckered asshole, testing to see how much spit he would have to apply for easy entry. About this much, he thought as he brought his hand near his mouth, spit a bunch of mucus and spit mixture (just the right amount now. Dude was fifty six. Knew what he was doing), then he finger fucked Rose’s asshole for a few minutes, then he stuck two, then three, then Four! then FIVE! fingers up her poop shoot.
“Oh, my God! That compares only to, only to George, my ex-husband, and he was hung like a horse; hey, let me see your pee-pee.”
“What did you call my cock?”
“Pee-pee.” It’s one of those play names that Charlie and I used when we were having sex. Just you remind me so much of him, anyway, let me see you penis.”
Stan coughed as though he was uncomfortable, as he unzipped his trousers only to reveal a very tiny uncircumcised dick. Something an asian dude would laugh at. “Here it is, don’t laugh,”
But she started to giggled, she couldn’t help it. “Don’t laugh bitch!”
“Hee heee!” she fell into full-blown laughter as Stan’s penis twitched once, twice, then drooped down again like an injured caterpillar.
“Stop laughing, alright, that’s it….I’m leaving, and the hell with my present to you.”
Rose sobered, “I’m sorry, Stan. I guess I just got carried away, what is it you have for me.” Rose was always one for presents.
“No,” Stan said as he walked through the bedroom door, grabbed his jacket, looked at the time to see that it was five o’clock
“Oh, my,” he said, “I’ve got to get the hell over to Nilda’s house. That Philippine gal sure makes me smile, and good longganisa. Damn good adobo too. She’s also where I got this aphrodisiac I was going to give to you…..forget it.” By this time Rose was fully dressed and about to wave goodbye to Stan, but if he really had what she wanted for so very long: a love potion, yes, she could have Miles for all time.
“Ok, bye, maybe I’ll see you soon?” Rose asked.
“Oh, ok. Nice asshole by the way.” And with that Stan was out the door, but only to bump into Dorothy and Sophia on the way out.
“Stanly Sbornak! What are you doing here?” Dorothy scowled and hissed.
“Sorry, just leavin, takin’ a plane actually.”
Sophia raised he old arms as if she were Mussolini speaking to a crowd, “Well why don’t you leave on a jet plane, and I don’t care when you’ll be back again. Maybe never Tiny, he heh….Dorothy told me all about that.”
“Why me!? I’m going to kill you Dorothy, mark my words.” Stan said as he stomped his way to his car.
As the evening turned into night and Blanch was yet to be seen, they were all not very worried, given the obvious fact that Blanch was an easy-lay-me-on-my-back-please, good ol’ fashioned Southern slut. Sophia was busy making spaghetti sauce while Rose and Dorothy were eating cheese cake, and for the second week straight, drinking scotch.
“Hey, ma d-da-da you wanna know the truth about my feelings about you. I love you, and I’ll never send you to Shady Pines.”
“Thank you dear. If I could have a drink I would, but the doctor has warned me about my liver, you know.”
Rose smiled, “Back in St. Olef there were no such things as “homes” and even livers, aside from, well, chicken livers that I used to eat, but my daddy used to take fishing. Said they were great for bass….”
“Shut up Rose!” Dorothy interjected, to the audience’s delight.
“Sorry,” Rose said.
Sophia walked over with a spoon full of sauce and threw it at Rose, “Here, here’s a message from Sicily. Shut the fuck up! or we’ll blow your brains out.”
“Hey!” Rose protested in comic joy, actually. “How do you know that the Italians would say that to me?”
“Because that’s what they said to my brother who always told dumb fables and tales and other stories that don’t matter and are probably not true.”
And then Blanch walked in, her hair all messed up, her lipstick smeared, her shirt torn a bit.
“Who, big surprise!” Sophia said.
“No, it’s not what it looks like, and this nasty spermatozoa ain’t what it seems either. It’s colgate toothpaste. “Big Pete” and me spent eight our repairing some woman’s toilet. And then he had the indignity to expect a kiss from me? Of course not, I just gave him a quick blow job, but that was it.”
“Like I said, surprise surprise.” Sophia retorted.
Rose smiled, picked up her drink and said, “well here’s to predictability. Kind of like the laugh-lines on our shows!”
“Hey, don’t say that?” Dorothy said.
“Why not?” Rose said.
“Because that would ruin…oh, never mind. I’ve got a date tomorrow with Bernie Rubble.”
“Bernie Rubble?” Sophia said.
Then Blanch said, “Bernie Rubble, hey, I knew you were working with apes livin’ in the stone age, but that’s taking it a bit too far.”
Dorothy took her last bite of cake, got up with her empty plate, and said to Blanch, “He’s better than Big Top Pee Wee, the man’s a lawyer, credentials..possibly a judge some day. I like him, I don’t care anyway.”
“Really?” Sophia said, “Well I guess I got some place nice to live if you two get married.”
“’Shady Pines’ mean anything?” Dorothy said as she put the plate in the sink.
Then Rose smiled and said, “You know girls, we all have a lot of fun, we always have.”
“What’s your point, Rose?” Sophia said.
“I got cancer,” Rose said.
