The First Time I Smoked Cat Shit

It was an abnormally hot day in mid-August, and I was carpet surfing for bits of herbal incense and marijuana. I was irritated and depressed because I didn’t have anything to smoke. I was having some success in my search naiveté for organic matter that contained either cannibinoids or THC, in fact, I gathered so much that I was able to get kind of high after I packed what I had found in my pipe. Yet, I was still unsatisfied, and was about to go crazy because I really wanted to get stoned something fierce. Unfortunately, I was out of money, so I couldn’t simply go to the head shop and buy some Barely Legal or K6, which I had been smoking three grams worth a day. I wish it were as simple as that, but I didn’t know what to do. I had smoked all the resin out of my pipe already, so that avenue of chemical salvation was blocked from further adventures in intoxication, however, as I searched more and more for some weed or herbal incense, I came across a small piece of organic matter. It had hairs on it and resembled the make-up of some old hashish or maybe even some Jamaican weed that I had bought a year ago. I decided to put it in my pipe and smoke it, whatever it was. When I lit it up, it cracked and popped, and took a big drag. It tasted so disgusting that I threw up after the first invalidation of the substance. I then remembered that my cats had been going to the bathroom in my room when I lived in my apartment, and after coming home, I had cleaned up the carpet as well as I could, but must have left some of the shit stuck to the carpet. I had just smoked cat shit! It was at this point of epiphany that I knew I had a problem, Christ, I would smoke just about anything, including grass clippings, Depakote, Effexor, Wellbutrin, but never did I think I would stoop so low as to smoke cat feces. Needless to say, it wasn’t very good shit, and I do not recommend trying it, that is, unless you have a burning desire to throw up. Or, maybe you do like the taste of shit? I don’t know, but I still wouldn’t make my worse  enemy smoke cat shit, well, let me think about that again. I would like to have my ex-girlfriend Tara Dymond succumb to the inhalation of cat shit, actually. I would like to see her face as she took a big ol’ hit of feces. She is the imp of the devil, and I guess it would be nice to see her throw up, just because she is a dirty, nasty slut who liked to fart when I fucked her in the asshole.

Stan Flannery