Xenophobic Conspiracy

About three days ago, I was sitting in my room, bored, with nothing to do aside from listen to the chorus of incessant persecuting voices mumble in my ear, and I thought that I would go down to the dollar store and grab  some cheap canned food. So, I put on my shoes, sweatshirt, and smoked a quick cigarette, then headed out the door. As I walked outside my house, I noticed that the sky looked as though it was crisscrossed by some strange formation of clouds, and I wondered if they were not in fact chem-trails of some sort. I had read about some conspiracy on the internet involving the government secretly polluting the sky with chemicals, and this looked exactly like the pictures that I had seen on various conspiracy websites. I had always been interested in conspiracy theories, and being the paranoiac that I am, I suppose my inclination towards the grand cabals, secret societies, shadow government, and of course alien, was inherent in my psychological makeup. I decided to take a quick picture with my cell phone of the aerial phenomenon above me. As I pulled out my phone, I saw a mysterious black car drive towards me, and a man got out. He was wearing dark sunglasses, and was about six foot six in height. I was shocked by his the enormity of this dude. I quickly walked over to me, and grabbed my phone, and said, “Excuse me, son, do you have any idea what you have just done?”

“No,” I said, shocked, “I don’t have a clue.”

“You,” he said, “have just committee a federal crime, and I am now going to have to take you to jail.”

“What?!” but before I had time to protest any further, he had me in hand-cuffs, and in the back of his car. What the hell was going on? He got in the car, and took me downtown, but not to the police station, but instead, he brought me to an abandoned house. He ordered me to get out of the car, and then escorted me inside, where he made me sit in a chair, and proceeded to interrogate me. He used various torcher methods, including whipping me with a bamboo rod, until I told him what he wanted me to tell him, that I was in fact an alien being from the Zeta Reticuli star system, with shape-shifting abilities, and then he let me go, but not until after he injected me with some kind of strange liquid, and took a hair and sperm sample. What the fuck is going on?